confidential desires

I have always prided myself from a very tender age to be somewhat of an independent woman. I never wanted my life to revolve around anyone or anything except my self and my own happiness.

And then I grew up.

I love being there for the important people in my life. I love making sure that their world is running smoothly. Knowing that they have a full tummy, no stress, clean clothes, and a clean house makes ME so happy and fulfilled!

I bitch about not getting enough help around the house and I know that it is an oxymoron since I love to provide that. I am not superwoman though. As much as I would love to have my house running perfectly with out a gripe I can’t do that and work and go to school full-time.

One of my biggest dreams is to be able to afford for me to be a stay at home mom and wife. So many people think that means I just want the lazy way out. Its just so not true.

I want to be able to have a place for my husband to come home to where he can forget about the stresses of his day and not be nagged about doing his share with house work. I want a place that fosters creativity in my children. I want TV to be out of my house or hiddin away from the family play areas.

I want to take adventures daily with my family and pray nightly.

I want my house to be a house full of love and grace and praise.

I want music playin in every room and nightly dance parties around the kitchen.

I want my children to know God from the very start of their lives.

I want to do volunteer work and show my family what grace is.

It sounds so ridiculous but there is no reason it can’t be accomplished.

You just have to find the right person that has those same dreams. You just have to have faith that God will allow you to find a way to make it work.

Oh, and you have to be strong enough to let go of the life you live now to go after the life you know is right for you!

^{10 [a]} A wife of noble character who can find?
       She is worth far more than rubies.

 ¹¹ Her husband has full confidence in her
       and lacks nothing of value.

 ¹² She brings him good, not harm,
       all the days of her life.

 ¹³ She selects wool and flax
       and works with eager hands.

 ¹⁴ She is like the merchant ships,
       bringing her food from afar.

 ¹⁵ She gets up while it is still dark;
       she provides food for her family
       and portions for her servant girls.

 ¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;
       out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

 ¹⁷ She sets about her work vigorously;
       her arms are strong for her tasks.

 ¹⁸ She sees that her trading is profitable,
       and her lamp does not go out at night.

 ¹⁹ In her hand she holds the distaff
       and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

 ²⁰ She opens her arms to the poor
       and extends her hands to the needy.

 ²¹ When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
       for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

 ²² She makes coverings for her bed;
       she is clothed in fine linen and purple.

 ²³ Her husband is respected at the city gate,
       where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

 ²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them,
       and supplies the merchants with sashes.

 ²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity;
       she can laugh at the days to come.

 ²⁶ She speaks with wisdom,
       and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

 ²⁷ She watches over the affairs of her household
       and does not eat the bread of idleness.

 ²⁸ Her children arise and call her blessed;
       her husband also, and he praises her:

 ²⁹ “Many women do noble things,
       but you surpass them all.”

 ³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
       but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

 ³¹ Give her the reward she has earned,
       and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Tonight was the same as many nights.

I got home from school after one of my finals. I had a full, long day. It started with a dentist appointment where I learned I need about $2K worth of work done, a half day at work with out a single customer and then a full night at school for my final practical.

Last thing I want to do is come home to a house with a sink full of dishes that weren’t there before, a mess on the table and a boyfriend that just doesn’t care.

I normally have no problem with bf zoned out on the xbox and not hearing a word I say. I normally don’t throw a fit or get upset when I try to talk and he has no interest.

I DO have a problem when I work and go to school and get no help with the house because of that stupid fucking xbox. I DO have a problem when I’m asked about my day out of habit and not interest.

I know I should just let it go but it just sucks to not have the support I crave or need. It just sucks to know that a game is more interesting than me.

I suppose this is just the way life goes? I suppose I should just be thankful that I still get a peck on the lips. I suppose I should be content with a hand on my back for a few minutes while falling asleep.

But I’m not happy with it. I want more and I feel like I deserve more. I want someone to be truly interested in my day and how I did. I want someone to be my cheerleader and be supportive. I want to feel a deep passionate kiss again. I want to fall asleep in someones arms instead of facing their back. I want someone to spend time doing new and exciting things with me.

I have brought this all up and nothing has changed. I do get a bit more help around the house but really, nothing has changed.

And I won’t do anything about it.

I’ll just sit here and deal.

And with each new issue, a building block of resentment will be cemented down in my heart.

Eventually it will either be blown apart by the bf making an attempt or it will be blown apart by my heart not being able to handle it any longer.

I can feel it getting heavier and I don’t want to know what comes next.

Lately I have been feeling completely alone and isolated.

I have no reason to feel this. I work and go to school and live with my MonkeyButt (boyfriend) a roomie and a dog.

I am always surround by people and very rarely have time to myself. I would estimate I have about 5 hours a week were I am ever alone.

At the same time, I feel like I’m just sharing space and air. I don’t feel like I am sharing much more than that.

I don’t know if it’s just because we are constantly together that we have drawn this gaping hole in our lives. I don’t know if since we don’t add new or exciting things into our daily, weekly, or monthly lives it may be making us dull. We have nothing new to share with each other.

We have no issues at all in our relationship. We don’t ever fight. To me though, that is an issue.

We keep all issues in to ourselves and I’m just waiting for the BiG BoOm to happen. MB never opens up to me. It’s rare that I learn anything about his past. It’s REALLY rare if I learn anything about how he feels in the present. I DO know about what he wants in the future. (And a hint, it doesn’t really match up with my wants.)

Is that enough?

Should I leave this alone and continue with our ‘happy’ relationship??

I have brought it up before to MB. I told him it’s crucial to the success of our life together for him to be able to communicate with me and not shut down. It’s so important to me for us to share how we feel with each other. We aren’t mind readers. We need that information. We all do.

What do you think out there in the WWW??

I want you to know something.

I have another blog floating around in this web of webs.

I can’t do what I wanted to do in that blog. I have to censor myself and make it an enjoyable read for my friends and family. I have to make sure that I continue to be a well-adjusted and balanced individual.

 I have to be up beat and silly and stress free.

I am all of that but, like any other human on our glorious planet, I also have thoughts and desires that are buried deep in my heart. You may not see them and because of that they just don’t exist to you.

But I feel them.

I carry them with me everywhere I go. I do not dwell on them and I don’t resent them for being there. I just embrace them and I am always sure to acknowledge their presence. They have the power to tear a soul apart like the ripping of a veil.

This blog is for me to express those desires. It’s for me to let you in on the most intimate of thoughts to me.

I want to be completely honest with a stranger because it is much easier than being completely honest with a loved one. I want to take that easy path. You never know, we may become like loved ones to each other and then we passed into a whole new world with new rules.

Will you let me share my every thought?

I want you to know about my silly happy thoughts and my dark sinister sexual desires.

I want you to know about the conflicts I face in my faith and the happy emptiness I feel in my relationship.

I’m hoping to begin that journey with you.

With much love,

~CD